Rylee Newton hates to brag, but she’s really, really, really awesome.  Her grandmother once saw her on The Tonight Show, but then, her grandmother has a very specific ocular condition called Tonight Showitis. Blah, blah, ha, ha, you’re killing me.

Raised in Portland, Oregon, Rylee started doing “comedy” in 1999 after she almost killed a radio DJ, failed to be a bridesmaid in a “friend’s” wedding, and didn’t show up for a job at the Jim Leher News Hour. What are you gonna do…am I right?

While in Los Angeles, she wrote for Hollywood Squares and some other game shows. One time, Whoopee Goldberg gave her a silver wishbone. She meant to sell it, but she lost it. Boo!

She was invited to perform at the US Comedy Arts Festival in Aspen and the Vancouver Comedy Festival in…ahem, Vancouver. She was first runner-up in the Comedy Central Laugh Riots competition and has performed on Comedy Central’s Premium Blend, Jimmy Kimmel Live, and the Game Show Network.

She currently resides in Los Angeles, where she performs for children who do not "get it." She lives alone and is allergic to cats, which is why this bio is so long.